My Cold, Dark Soul

Lately I’ve been listening to podcasts. I spend a lot of time in the car or  on the train or walking from Grand Central to my office. I’m bored with all of my music and harbor a deep hatred of listening to radio commercials. It’s the plight of a commuter, I suppose: suffer in silence or listen to Closer by the Chainsmokers for the fortieth time that day?

Enter podcasts, entertaining weary travelers since narrative audio became trendy and everyone from your hair stylist to your nerdy coworker started talking into a microphone and publishing it on the internet. I gravitate toward the health and wellness podcasts, seeking inspiration for my own wellness journey. I happened across one the other day that I haven’t been able to stop listening to: The Balanced Blonde‘s Soul on Fire podcast. Each week, Jordan Younger explores what sets her guests’ souls on fire. How did they turn their passions into careers? How are they living their happiest and healthiest lives? What advice do they have for others seeking to set their souls on fire?

So, naturally, I started to wonder what sets my soul on fire. The first red flag should have been that I had to wonder and it didn’t come immediately to mind like, “of course, French Bulldogs set my soul on fire and I should start a day care for French Bulldogs because that will be incredibly fulfilling.” Sure, I adore French Bulldogs more than the average person, but they still rank among one of the many things in life that just make me happy. I smile big and gush over their cuteness and stop my commute in the middle of Fifth Ave to awkwardly snap a picture of a stranger’s dog, but they aren’t a passion that fuels my life.

The second red flag was when I started trying to force passions. I like to cook and bake. Maybe I should own a bakery. A healthy bakery. People would line up for my kale brownies. I think I’ll open a bakery.

Maybe I need to change up what I’m going to grad school for. I’ve been reading about health and wellness for two weeks and I’m super into it. Perhaps I will study to be a nutritionist.

I’ve only just accomplished standing in tree pose for ten seconds without losing my balance. I think I’ll teach yoga.

I wound up frustrated when each impractical bubble popped shortly after they formed. Why wasn’t there anything that set my soul on fire? Was I doomed to wander this earth with a cold and dark soul?

I don’t know what sets my soul on fire . . . yet. I do know that writing makes me happy and I’ve sincerely missed it. I let myself get consumed with life and forgot to make time for it. Maybe writing is a passion I haven’t fully let myself explore yet or maybe I’m still figuring things out. Maybe blogging will help me do that.

What does that mean for Rambleathon? 

The blog has changed a lot since I started it way back in 2014. It began as a writing blog as I was finishing undergrad. In 2015 it transitioned into a humor/random anecdote blog (if that’s a thing) and I didn’t touch it in 2016 because writer’s block kicked in and I felt too pressured to come up with “funny” things to write about.

So now my blog has no labels. It is not a lifestyle blog or a writing blog or a humor blog or a health and wellness blog. It’s all of the above and none of the above. Feel free to follow along if you want. If you feel so inclined, comment and tell me what sets your soul on fire?

Unless I’ve just asked a question you can’t answer and you, like me, are now going through an existential crisis. For that, I am sorry.


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